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Dark Souls 2 is not Dark Souls

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When I first started this venture, the ALL GAMES SHOULD BE DARK SOULS thing was very literal. I was playing Dark Souls a lot and also playing Borderlands 2 and then Castlevania SOTN went on sale. I’d flip between the three, but only ever really enjoying myself whilst playing Dark Souls. I thought to myself “Why can’t I just be playing three different versions of Dark Souls?” And the rest is history.

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Bravely Default is not Dark Souls

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Hello. I have done played another RPG. Let’s talk about RPGs shall we, because you may have also read my Xenoblade review, and that’s an RPG too but I’ve lots to say. RPG stands for role-playing game. Which is a really useful label because in all other games you play you’re the exact embodiment of yourself; you go to the shops and you eat toast.

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Rayman Legends is not Dark Souls.

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Super Mario 3D World is perfect. There we go, there’s my review of that. Free of charge. The old review was over 10000 words long and I kept editing it down and removing redundancies and long, po-faced paragraphs. After removing all the superlative laden waffling it ended up being that one thought you see above.

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Far Cry 3 is not Dark Souls

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Far Cry 3 sees you play as a white man, come to slay the barbarians of Not America because they sold your iPod for meth. The game begins with a montage of what an insufferable prick you are as you spend your privileged life jumping out of planes, drinking beer on the beach and calling people “bro.”

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Pikmin 3 is Not Dark Souls

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Yes, I got a Wii U. At the risk of ranting, the new consoles are currently boiling my piss with their online, DRM, micro-transactions, Kinect bullshit, and the Wii U was all like “We have games, and just games, and there’s not a piece of day one DLC or tacked on motion controls in sight.” So yeah. Thank god Dark Souls 2 is coming out on Xbox 360/PS3 (please stop sending me your Dark Souls 2 is not Dark Souls jokes, they’re not funny).

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Pokémon X and Y are not Dark Souls

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Hi. I like Pokémon. I do. Maybe you read my rant packaged as a Black and White review. Maybe you’ve seen my living room. Maybe I shouted “It’s super effective” at you during sex.

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Grand Theft Auto V is not Dark Souls

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I’m pretty sure this is spoiler free except that torture bit which you’ve probably already heard about.

Grand Theft Auto (as in, the first one), was a game released in 1997. It was a top down, colourful action and shooting game deliberately designed to rub people the wrong way. It was a satirical game designed to court controversy because it knowingly employed hot button video-game issues , that have been prevalent ever since Death Race let you literally murder people.

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Saints Row IV is not Dark Souls

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Here is a joke: DO A BARREL ROLL!

Do you get it? You see, it’s funny because “Do a barrel roll!” is like a funny thing that other people say. It’s funny because… because, it’s funny. Because, like… other people say it… Look you just don’t get it, ok. If you said it on Reddit you’d get loads of Karma, ergo, it’s funny. Objectively funny.

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Tomb Raider is not Dark Souls

Tomb Raider is a video game produced by people who have never played a video game but are certain about what people who play video games like in their video games. It is full of moments and events that completely snap you out of the moment due to their propensity to be presented as the preservative and sugar based “video game” icing on top of a cake made of the mature fruit sponge of “interactive experience.”

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Animal Crossing: New Leaf is not Dark Souls

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Fucking Animal Crossing, oh em gee. It’s great, obviously. Well, it was for ages. Then something went wrong. I’m still not quite sure what (I totally am). It’s like a period of time when things are fine, amazing even. You’re playing every day and when you’re not playing, you’re thinking about the next time you will and all the cool stuff you’re going to do. You make plans, you look forward to the future, everything before you is an endless path of possibilities.

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